DragonAge: Reflections
by TehPencil
Summary: Nearing on 10 months after the events at Denerim, Eamonne Cousland, bard, warrior, thief continues his desperate, search through Ferelden and beyond for Morrigan. With both of them together again, events conspire against them and the future they hope for.
1. Chapter 1:Regrets

**DragonAge: Reflections**

Chapter 1: Regrets.

I watch him. I watch all of him. I watch his weary looking face broken and burnt against the light of his pitiful camp fire. I watch his bloodied hand idly caress the ring I had given him, the ring that symbolized our bond and wondered truly if he would ever give up. He had changed in the passing months since we had parted, a change brought on by his relentless pursuit of myself and her but still, he was the man I knew. The man I loved.

I had warned him not to come after me. Had warned him that he would never find me or the babe, that it was a futile task. Warned him I did, not to waste his finite life on pursuing someone not worth his time. Bade him I did to find new lands, new adventures, new destinies. A new love that he could tend for. He did not, and a part of me was glad. A part of me that was foolish enough to become entangled in his roots, his life, his warm arms.

I shake my mind away from those thoughts and regarded the Warden again. He was alone, no companions nor faithful war hounds nor crystal golems. Alone in a land that loved him. A part of me had wondered how this could be, how this man could turn his back on all his friends and remaining family. He was celebrated in lands all across Ferelden, had riches and titles and friends in very high places, yet forsake them all in his chase for me. Why? I had struggled. Why does he persist?

Love that entangled part had answered. He does it because he loves you. Would love his child, so beautiful she'd be, would love to be with you no matter what. I knew this to be true, knew this to be right. Yet I wept black tears of regret.

He moved a little, shifting his wounded arm in its bloodied and stained sling so that he might better catch the light of the fire on the simple looking ring. A smile touched his face, perhaps remembering a better time he had spent with me, bringing a smile to my own face. To only touch his face once more, to trace those scars and fall into those arm-

He has changed, I remind myself, he has become bitter and regrets many things. I saw it every day as I watched him, saw his thoughts going dark and his rage, ever quelled before even in battle with the worst of the darkspawn, unleashed now upon it's full terror to those of the blight that had remained. Many times did it seem like he was the true monster in those skirmishes, his senses taking leave as he gave in to his broken humanity. I saw this and knew that I had done this to him. I saw what I had done to him that night.

We had lay that climatic night, performed dark magic, old magic and bound the doomed arch demon to spare his life and be reborn new, pure, powerful within my own womb. His child, our child with the soul of an Old God. An Old God with no taint, mine to mould and bring freedom back to a world encaged by ruined beliefs and burnt prophets.

I remember confessing that I wanted this child with him only, wanted us to be joined once more and create something beautiful, but if he would not have me to save his own life, to save both our lives, that Alistair would suffice and knew behind clenched teeth and self hatred as I spoke it, that those were Flemmeth's words. The words of a women dedicated to power and knew no love, not even for me. I knew then that it crushed my soul to say that, knew that it 'twas a foolish thing to say, foolish to toss his love for me like scraps from the table and that moment of pain hurt him more than I will ever know. It scarred us both.

What a fool I had been with that one sentence, what a fool was I to make him weep softly as he proclaimed his love for me, that he would agree to this not to save his own life, but to simply be with me, only me, once more. Confessed that he would gladly do this because I had asked, that he would do anything for me. He never spoke it but a part of me then knew that If I was to ask, he would have given up being a Grey Warden to care and protect his family such as it would be.

Family. It held a different meaning to him than it did for me. Butchered he had seen his loved parents, his nephew and sister in law murdered, gone and dead he had thought his sole surviving brother. The last Cousland he had thought of himself. Alone.

I remember him asking once where our relationship was going, I had taking his meaning to mean marriage, children, a quiet place in the countryside. Deeply, yes, I would have enjoyed, would have wanted something similar to it, but I knew that what I had to do would never allow us to sit in such bliss.

Perhaps he wished another way, being with me seemed enough for him truly, made him feel he was not alone in the world. That someone loved him, was there at his side. Hopes dashed when I told him I would leave and he would never see his child. Stupid words. Stupid true words. I wish I could have shared his life until the end. I wish he would see his daughter, oh my the wonders she will bring.

Regrets. We both have many of them.

My eyes are flooded with tears, the light of the fire burning into the back of my mind and wished I did that It would blind me so that I would not have to look on my broken beloved. Wiping the tears away silently, I force myself to look at him. He was gone.

A whisper, on the wind it seemed but I knew to be right behind me, floated into my ears.

"Hello Morrigan."


	2. Chapter 2:Amends

**DragonAge: Reflections**

Chapter 2: Amends

It was day again when I woke, head drowsy and spinning with the sun bearing on down on me like an anvil. I was aware that someone was next to me, foolishly I started up trying to concentrate on their face.

It was him. He sat there, watching me and I wondered how long he had done so. Taking in my features once again, alighting his memory and stirring his emotions. There was a hunger behind those eyes, a longing for me and more.

"Good morning beloved. Would you like something to eat?" He smiled, his rough beard bristling up around his jaw. Turning to a pan, he placed a few pieces of meat and set it on the low fire. "I'm afraid it wont be up to the standard of Leliana's cooking, but at least it's not raw or uncooked grey bits like Sten or Alistair made."

I brought myself up sharply, the unusual sleepiness that encased my mind wandering away and still I stumbled back a little.

"Ah, sorry about that. I wasn't sure how strong I had made the poison, I certainly didn't want to kill you, just send you into a nice little sleep. You're still pretty when you sleep. Prettier more even. Must be the bump."

"You knew I was watching you?" I mumbled, words slowly returning. I squinted at his face through the drifting haze, he seemed anew. No trace was the weariness that had accompanied his search for me, he seemed…happy again.

"Last night yes, a few nights too over the last few weeks but before that? No, no I didn't know if you were watching me. I had no idea where you were before then. I followed rumours into the Frostback mountains that you had gone past a month before and that you seemed with child." He laughed a little. "I nearly strangled the dwarf that told me that, especially since he wasn't quite sure what he had seen. I made sure that he was."

I had regained myself now, only for conflicting emotions to rise up within me. I wanted to stay a while, to speak with him of idle things and remain in his presence. I wanted to run away as fast as possible, fleeing from my fears and mistakes that I had made, to leave and make sure he would not be involved in what was to come. In the end I sat back down, prodding the food in the pan with an idleness that took him aback.

"I did warn you not to follow me did I not?" I said offhand, quelling my shaking hand as I turned the meat in the pan.

"You did. You also said that I would never see you again after we killed the Arch Demon and look where we are now. Surprises make life all the so much sweeter don't they?"

"This was…an accident. A mistake. I never wanted to extend your pain by having you see me again." I replied, trying hard to concentrate on the food. A deathly silence hung in the air for a moment before he broke it with a sword so true it could have felled me there. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him lower his head, his eyes most likely closed and mouth clenched hard.

"Pain? What was painful Morrigan was that I never even got to say goodbye. What was painful was that you never gave me the option of coming with you. What was painful was that I thought I would never see you nor my child, ever again." He shifted slightly, his bandaged arm obviously still causing him trouble.

"What was painful Morrigan, my love, was that you had given me so much hope for our future only to steal it away at the first opportunity. It was agony! I felt like my family had once again been butchered in front of me! I just…wanted to not be. I didn't want to exist." His voice trailed off slowly, leaving behind the silence.

He had every right to be angry, had every right to feel betrayed and yet I could find no words to apologize for what I did. Instead I turned my thoughts to a question that hung in the air, a question already answered in my mind.

"How did you know exactly where I was?" I already knew the answer, but I needed to hear it from his own lips. Needed to know if this was another regret I would burden.

He smiled a little again at that, shifting his hand to show me the ring I had given him months ago.

"You were right when you said it created a bond between us. I got glimpses of places, feelings and a sort of general direction of where you had been every so often." He touched the ring fondly. "Sometimes, at my darkest moments, It felt like I could touch you, feel your skin."

I swore silently to myself. The ring DID have a two way connection as Flemmeth had mentioned. Here I had been, stalking him over the past few weeks, knowing where he was only to find out he had been doing the same! I prodded the meat harder with the stick, trying not to swear out loud.

"Have you been keeping well?" He asked, almost matter-of-factly, undressing his bandages slowly.

"Better than you have been at the very least." I replied, putting down my stick and ripping his bandages off roughly to the sound of wincing and pain. "Oh don't be such a child, you've had this old rag on for far too long. Any longer and the wound will be infected."

I knelt there next to him, testing the skin around the large gauge in the arm. The darkspawn blade had cut deep, almost to the bone. Grabbing the fresh bandages I drifted into the melody of applying the new ones.

"You've been too rash in these fights, leaving yourself open to attack rather than keeping a level head. Any more of it and you could end up on the wrong end of a sword."

He started to object but a quick harsh look from me abated him, leaving me to my work.

"I shall ever be mystified as to how a rogue like you can still manage to be so quiet and stealthy even in all that bothersome full plate." We both laughed, our eyes meeting and locked. By the devil could he have been any more desirable at that moment?

"Morrigan, I.." I shushed him again, our lips growing ever closer.

"Tell me, do you…regret, that last night of ours? Was what I asked of you too much?"

There was a moments silence, we sat there still as statues, eye's locked in cold embrace.

"No. No I do not regret it. I could not be happier that you are the mother of my child. It was a wonderful, powerful night. No, love, no regrets." He moved a little closer but I turned my head a little, hands trembling in his own.

"I…do. I regret many things about that night. I regret never allowing you to come with me. I regret even mentioning that idiot Alistair. I regret knowing what I had to do from the beginning. I regret…" I was crying, openly crying. I..don't think I had ever openly cried to anyone before. His arms enveloped me and I gave in again, pouring my own arms around him.

"We all have regrets Morrigan, we all wished we could have done things differently than we had. That night, is not one of mine. I don't think it should be one of yours either."

I was babbling now, apologizing for all the various things I had did to him. He laughed a little, breaking me from my rambling.

"Morrigan I know you did what you felt you had to, I know that Flemmeth tasked youwith it from the very moment we left the Wilds. I certainly know that you would have had me over any man in the world that night. I should know, I am rather fantastic." He laughed again, his smile washing over me and breaking through all of my self hatred.

"You should be angrier! Everything I put you through, everything you felt after I left! Why aren't you angrier!" I yelled, getting up and stepping back as he sat there, a smug smile on his face.

"Because, it no longer matter to me. It's all in the past. Yes we loved each other, we still love each other no matter how much you try not to admit it or dismiss the concept. Yes we laid together and It was beautiful, we brought a child into the world. Yes you left, I was sad and angry, but here we are now. Together again. Why should I concentrate on my regrets?"

I stood there stunned. It was almost as he had slapped me in the face. He was right, it was true. We had not strayed too far away from each other that reconciliation was not possible. In his mind there was indeed no need, he had found me and was happy again. Strangely I was too.

Kneeling on one leg he lay a hand on my stomach, eye's closed and a small smile creeping upon it. A small kick ringed out at him, the babe seemingly acknowledging her Father.

"How long now?" He smiled up at me, tears flowing down into his beard.

I rested my hand on his, giving in and putting my regrets to the side for the time being. I would make my amends.

"Not long love, not long at all."

Eamonne Cousland had a family again.


	3. Chapter 3: Facade

**DragonAge: Reflections**

Chapter 3: Facade

It was raining, a soft shower that refreshed my body and gave me a sort of peace of mind, if only for a moment. Making our way out of the Arbor Wilds we had began entering the Dales, far from the reach of Ferelden and further into the West, nearing Orlais. If I had been a better Bard I would have perhaps composed a poem or song about our how far from home we truly were. Alas, my gifts lay less in the songs and tales, and more in the trickery and manipulation. I was THAT sort of Bard as Lelianna would have put it.

The path through the glen was barely walkable, tree roots and odd mounds forcing a slow but safe pace onwards. Every time I thought I saw Morrigan struggle behind me I had to remind myself that this was for my benefit, that she was used to the forest and would have no problem shifting to another form to easier pass.

"Would you please concentrate on where you are going? Every time you look back to ogle me you slow us down." She chastised, her quick footing putting me to shame, and **SHE **was the pregnant one!

I chuckled to myself, cutting down a stray tree branch, and holding it aside for her.

"Ever the gentleman." She smiled, stepping past me, "Except of course when you're poisoning poor, defenseless pregnant women."

"We all have our little failings now." I replied, watching as she stepped this way and that through the trees, admiring how graceful she was despite her pregnant frame. Like a knife however, anger and grief rang through me upon looking at her, and I choked back the bitterness that had taken place within.

We had not talked much about where she had been, and as much as I acted the part for her benefit, a part of me was still broken about our time apart. I needed to keep up the pretense of sheer acceptance, needed to let her see my facade of pure happiness. She had no experience with this, and as much as I was truly happy to have her back, I could not wash away those bitter thoughts that had passed through my mind during some of those harsh nights without time and patience. For if she could not see how much she meant to me, how much I loved her, I fear she would flee again, and if she did, I would not be able to bear it.

So like any good Bard, I played my part and well. Morrigan would not see through my mask, and with time I would no longer need it. For the moment, I was simply glad to see her again.

With a quick glance back she smirked, "Enjoying the view are we?"

"Indeed. The way the rain plays off the leaves is quite aesthetically pleasing. I suppose you look nice too though." I joked, hearing her laugh for a few seconds.

"Oh how you're wit stuns me. I bow to you, oh great Master d'Commedie." She mocked as I made my way towards her. The aroma of the wet forest tangled with the subtle smell of her perfume, one of her little pleasures, I kissed her neck, a slight moan escaping her purple lips.

"Morrigan, you bow to no one." We stood there for a moment like that, amongst the soft prattle of the rain, a moment of peace broken by the cry of a fox not far off, and, reluctantly, we resumed our trek through the glen.

"Speaking of bowing, how does the 'Glorious' King of Ferelden fare?" Her words echoing with hatred.

"Alistair was doing fine when I left, he and Anora seemed to be taking their roles in their stride, although they're both reluctant in their marriage. You could hear their objections from the Palace to the Anderfells."

I had took some pride in making that particular arrangement, the anguish in Alistair's face a treasure trove of satisfaction no gold sum could amount to. Royal Bastard to Grey Warden to King to Married, perhaps Lelianna would compose a suitable ballad.

"I didn't stay in Denerim long though. I had planned to head out straight away to look for you but...Fergus, he managed to persuade me to return with him to Highever first to mourn Mother and Father."

My heart sank a little thinking about them. Howes men had done...unspeakable things, but the remainder of the garrison had paid as Howe had done, until my thirst for vengeance sated.

Fergus and I had stood there at their pyre, the last of the Couslands. Even as he asked me to stay and help him be Teyrn, I think he knew I could not. As I bade him to continue our bloodline, embraced him in farewell, I think he knew I would never be coming back. At least we had a chance to say goodbye proper this time. At least the Couslands would go on.

"You still think about them a lot don't you." She asked, her voice filled with sympathy, a 'weakness' she may have loathed but one I could not help but feel grateful for.

" I think she would have liked you, my mother." I mumbled, my mind distant. " She had been feisty, always speaking her mind and doing things HER way. Although the whole 'Apostate Mage' thing might have been a bit of a problem."

"Ha! When is it never a problem? What of the others, I heard Wynne accepted Alistair's proposal to stay at court on behalf of the Circle."

"Oh she did, but I think she said something about heading to Ameran-" My mind grinded to a sudden stop. Wynne had indeed taken up Alistair's offer but it had been made during the Coronation ceremony. "How did you know _that_?"

She turned and gave me an impish grin. "No one ever notices another dog in Ferelden. You looked quite the hero waving to all those common fools."

My mind reeled: She had been there! Within my grasp at the time! Again there came a moment of bitterness. I gave a half hearted laugh, holding my head in my hands.

"Hiding in plain sight all that time, I cant believe you! If I had known you were there I would have.."

"Ran away with me? Tried to catch me? Eamonne, if you had known I was there at the time, I would not have been." Her eyes were cast down, her voice sad. "What can I say? I..had to see you. Just one last time."

I raised my head to look at her. She was so very innocent, so very inexperienced, she wielded her emotions as child would hold a sword. Flemmeth had made her seek only survival and power, but during the year and a half she had spent with us, with me, she had started to be so much more. In our time apart she had not forgotten or became as far twisted with regret as I had become, she had began to experience her emotions more.

I raised the mask again, admiring this woman who had held me sway. It would still take time for me to wash away my pangs, but for every second it was in place, I knew she was worth it.

"I suppose I should be taking lessons. A pity I cant learn to be a shape changer myself." Making my way over some tree roots towards her.

"It is quite useful but it does come with some drawbacks." She leaned in close to me as we stepped slowly through the glen. "Sten kept trying to feed me and that Mabari hound cakes, oh an the _smell _of all the armor, urgh. Canines have 5 times as many olfactory senses than humans, the stench of Oghren alone was enough to -"

Like that we made our way onwards, the cries of a fox and her cubs in the distance, the rain faltering but for only a second and the ever burning sun emerging from behind its clouds.


End file.
